PLEASE read this and tell me what you think.Follow

I woke up quick, I always do. The sun looked like it ad just woken up too. It looked a lot brighter than I felt. I had a headache, not from being hung over or anything like that I just got headaches a lot. I was semi-famous for them. I felt like yelling out loud. You see yesterday had been the last day of school. That being said I had a long night last night. I hate partying. My friends like it though. Took me a second to realize where I was. You see the thing is that behind my house there is this apartment thing. We kept it closed for years. So that is where we hung out for that night.
I stood up and looked outside. The sun was in my eyes so I was sort of blinded. The sun was always in my eyes. I hated this place. I wanted it clean and to be out of it. It smelled bad. My friends were still asleep so I said “Get the hell out of my house” loud enough to wake them up. They had not heard the words I said. I told them it was nothing and they should go back to sleep. They seemed pleased by the idea. I went outside. It had rained the night before. I sat down on the damp steps and ran my hands through my hair. I do this motion almost ritually. Whenever I am thinking instead of cracking my knuckles or rubbing my chin I do this.
I had a headache. Whether it was from the alcohol or the fact that I get headaches all the time I am not sure. I remember the sinking feeling. One of my least favorite things in the world is feeling it. When the alcohol finally permeates, the sounds give away like a floodgate. The floor slips away. Rain started pouring down. Isn’t rain supposed to soothe you? I thought it made you feel sort of relaxed and thinking everything would be all right. Instead I just felt cold. Everything was quite. It struck me that I was supposed to have one of those moments. You know the ones. Where you start thinking about your life and what the **** you are doing.
You analyze everything about yourself. Then you have this calm moment of release. Catharsis. A single moment where you pick your head up and rage back against the world. You decide to live up to all the potential that you have! You decide to pick up your grades, start working out, and get your life back in tiptop shape. Yeah, I was supposed to have one of those moments. Yeah. Well I have never been a fan of that bull **** so I went back inside took a hit and went


this is a short story i have been writeing. its not done yet by any means. and this is not how its going to happen but i needed some quick shock value. Thanks!

Edited, Tue Jun 29 22:44:07 2004 by Genaspld

I think you posted the same thing in FFXI forum. :)

Paragraphs. Learn 'em, live 'em, love 'em.

Seems like it needs to be broken up into more paragraphs for readability. You mention having a headache twice, once saying it wasnt from drinking and once alluding to the idea it was. You should strip one of the references out. quite should be quiet. I am assuming that you will bring the plot together as you proceed. Right now its pretty fragmented. JMHO

Keep working at it, don't give up on writing.