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Post some funny jokes! =DFollow

#1 May 08 2004 at 7:22 PM Rating: Decent
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I have a few here that you might've already heard, but I'm posting them anyway.

A pirate walks into a bar. Strangely enough, he's got a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. The bartender says, "Do you know you've got a steering wheel on your willy?" The pirate responds,
"Arr, it's driving me nuts."
---
A dumb blond is going ice fishing. She brings her supplies to the ice, and starts to drill a hole. All of a sudden, a booming voice says, "THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE." Nervous, the blond quickly moves to another spot and starts to drill a hole. "THERE IS NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE." Scared now, the blond heats up her thermos and takes a drink. A little calmer now, she moves to yet another spot and starts to drill. Once again, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE." Extremely scared now, the blond says,
"Is... th..that y-y-y-you, Lord?"
"NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
---
A girl in school comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, I was the best at the ABC's today. I knew them from A to Z!" The mom responds,
"Well honey, that's because your blond."
The girl comes home the next day and says,
"Mommy, I was the best in math today! I knew all of my multiplication tables!" The mom says,
"Honey, that's because you're blond." The next day she comes home from gym class, and while the class was showering the other girls were looking at her because she had a more... generous bosom... you get the idea. Well, she says,
"Mommy, why is my body more shapely and better than everyone elses?"
"Honey, that's because you're 26."
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#2 May 08 2004 at 9:42 PM Rating: Decent
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a pair of blondes are walking down the street and walk into a building.






you would of figured 1 of them would of seen it.
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#3 May 08 2004 at 10:14 PM Rating: Excellent
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How do you get a clown off a swing?


...

...
...


Hit it in the face with an axe!
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#4 May 08 2004 at 10:57 PM Rating: Default
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Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a camaro?
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i dont have a camaro in my garage
-------
whats the difference between a dead babies and bowling balls?
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the bowling balls roll off of the pitch fork when you try to take them out of your trunk...
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#5 May 09 2004 at 12:06 AM Rating: Default
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whats more disgusting than a trashcan full of dead babies?

a
b
c
d
e
f
g
h
i

the one still alive at the bottom eating its way out.
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#6 May 09 2004 at 12:14 AM Rating: Good
I was going to tell you a joke about a wall...





















but I didn't think you would get over it.
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#7 May 09 2004 at 4:37 AM Rating: Decent
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A blonde walks into a appliance shop and says to a clerk, "I wanna buy that T.V." the clerk replies "Sorry I cant sell that T.V. to a blonde." So she goes home dyes her hair brunette and goes back then next day to ask the same question and gets the same response. A little upset that the clerk saw through her giuse she decides to shave her head and goes back one last time only to get the same response. Rather upset she asks the clerk, "why wont you sell that T.V. to a blonde" and the clerk replies "Because its a microwave"

When a man talks dirty to woman its considered sexual harrassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.

If the world didnt suck, we'd all fall off.

If we cant pray in school, why is it I vote in a church?

How do you know a blonde has been at your computer?
-There is white out all over the screen

The only kinda man that falls from heaven is a snowman and not even they come assembled.

Whats the difference between a wife and a hooker?
-The hooker is usually cheaper and doesnt require pillow talk afterwards.



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#8 May 09 2004 at 4:51 AM Rating: Decent
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Edited, Sun May 9 05:51:40 2004 by PsychoJester
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#9 May 09 2004 at 5:07 AM Rating: Decent
Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.
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They said to follow my dreams...
Too bad they were all NIGHTMARES!
#10 May 09 2004 at 5:25 AM Rating: Decent
I promise, this is the last one.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit ****** off, grabs the sheet, rolls
over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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#11bhodisattva Defender of Justice, Posted: May 09 2004 at 11:05 AM, Rating: Sub-Default, (Expand Post) Edited of my own will, Jophiel you have been Thwarted !!!!
#12 May 09 2004 at 12:42 PM Rating: Excellent
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Yes, that was a little too far for OOT.
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#13 May 09 2004 at 1:08 PM Rating: Decent
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Dread Lord Kaolian wrote:
Yes, that was a little too far for OOT.


ahh i thought it was perfect.


LoL
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#14 May 09 2004 at 2:09 PM Rating: Decent
Anyone who would have got the joke would not have been offended, and you cant be offended if you dont get it, i dont think it was too far.

but then its not up to me lol
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#15 May 09 2004 at 2:25 PM Rating: Excellent
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Remember, OOT is the "play nice" forum. We might have small kiddies and or nuns wandering in here at any moment.

It's below the default filter now without affecting bhodisattva's karma. anyone that wants to look, can. anyone that doesn't... well, you get the idea.
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#16 May 09 2004 at 2:31 PM Rating: Good
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Yes it is to far, i played DaoC with a nun, she trolls these forums every now and then, shoulda remembered that others use forum.

Okay here is my joke for all audiences.

A snail walks into a custom shop for cars, he says i want my car tricked out and i wanted it painted in blue with a giant "S" on each side. He comes back a couple days later when all the work is done and he is talking to the mechanic and the mechanic ask "why the giant S on each side?" to which the snail replies "when i drive by i want ppl to say 'hey look at that s car go"

Laugh riot i tell. And much more friendly than the starving ethiopian BJ joke.
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#17 May 09 2004 at 7:20 PM Rating: Default
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What's grosser than gross?
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~
~
~
~
~
Eating a bowl of cornflakes and finding out afterward that it's your little brother's scab collection.

What's grosser than that?
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~
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Having seconds




OK, alternative for a previously posted joke.

What's grosser than gross?
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~
~
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10 babies in one garbage can

What's grosser than that?
~
~
~
~
~
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1 baby in 10 garbage cans
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#18 May 09 2004 at 7:31 PM Rating: Excellent
Quote:
How do you get a clown off a swing?


...

...
...


Hit it in the face with an axe!


Lol.

Really made me laugh, I hate clowns.

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#19 May 09 2004 at 7:31 PM Rating: Decent
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why did helen keller's dog run away?





you would too if your name was NYAAAGHHAANG!
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#20 May 09 2004 at 7:56 PM Rating: Decent
LMMFAO @ Hobbitgod
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#21 May 09 2004 at 8:08 PM Rating: Default
Did you hear that Hellen Keller burnt the right side of her face?




She answered the iron.

----------------------------------------------------------

I guess she burnt the left side too....



They called back 5 minutes later.
#22 May 10 2004 at 11:35 AM Rating: Decent
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I am pleased that U.S. forces captured a bedraggled Saddam Hussein in
his dirt crawlspace near Tikrit on Saturday evening. He had a side arm
and $750,000 in the hole with him and was within eyesight of his lost
palaces. News coverage showed Iraqis celebrating in the streets.

I'm also glad they're doing DNA testing, so we're confident that we
didn't capture Nick Nolte instead.

*little out of date, but still..*
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#23 May 10 2004 at 1:09 PM Rating: Decent
i want this moved to the asylum so i can post the good ones lol
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#25 May 10 2004 at 1:29 PM Rating: Decent

ok i got one


superman is flying around town and he is horny as ****, so he see's green lantern and and says "hey green lantern, do you know where I can get some action around here?" and the green lantern says "you could go to wonderwoman, she's the best!" superman says "well, um, i dont think so, me and her are friends so im not into that with her" so the green lantern says "well alright" and flys away.

so superman is still flying around horny and see's batman driving his car so he goes down to batman and ask's him where he can get laid. batman replys " you could go ask wonderwoman, she's pretty easy to get with" but superman still says "me and her are friends so i dont want to." so batman says ok and drives away.

so superman is flying around and STILL horny. he flys over the justice league building and there is wonderwoman, completely naked with her legs wide open! and superman thinks to himself "wait a minute, i can do this, im faster then a speeder bullet, i could be in and out of there in a second!" so he flys down, f*cks her! and flys away. then wonderwoman says "what the **** was that?" and the invisible man says "i dont know but my *** is killing me!"

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#26 May 12 2004 at 8:16 AM Rating: Decent
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pulled right out of Hollow Man ^^ :P
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#27 May 12 2004 at 8:30 AM Rating: Decent
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Court Records
> >
> >
> > These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
> > things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
> > published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
> > these exchanges were actually taking place.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: Are you sexually active?
> >
> >
> > A: No, I just lie there.
> >
> >
> > _______________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: What is your date of birth?
> >
> >
> > A: July 18th.
> >
> >
> > Q: What year?
> >
> >
> > A: Every year.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> >
> >
> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> >
> >
> > A: Yes.
> >
> >
> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> >
> >
> > A: I forget.
> >
> >
> > Q:You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
> > forgotten?
> >
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> >
> >
> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> >
> >
> > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> >
> >
> > A: Forty-five years.
> >
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
> > that
> > morning?
> >
> >
> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> >
> >
> > Q: And why did that upset you?
> >
> >
> > A: My name is Susan.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
> > the
> > occult?
> >
> >
> > A: We both do.
> >
> >
> > Q: Voodoo?
> >
> >
> > A: We do.
> >
> >
> > Q: You do?
> >
> >
> > A: Yes, voodoo.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> >
> >
> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> >
> > A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> >
> >
> > ___________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> >
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> >
> >
> > A: Yes.
> >
> >
> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: She had three children, right?
> >
> >
> > A: Yes.
> >
> >
> > Q: How many were boys?
> >
> >
> > A: None.
> >
> >
> > Q: Were there any girls?
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> >
> >
> > A: By death.
> >
> >
> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> >
> >
> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> >
> >
> > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> >
> >
> > notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> >
> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> >
> >
> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> >
> >
> > A: Oral.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> >
> >
> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> >
> >
> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> >
> >
> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> > autopsy.
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> > pulse?
> >
> >
> > A: No.
> >
> >
> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> >
> >
> > A: No.
> >
> >
> > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> >
> >
> > A: No.
> >
> >
> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
> > the
> > autopsy?
> >
> >
> > A: No.
> >
> >
> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> >
> >
> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >
> >
> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> >
> >
> > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
> > law
> > somewhere.
> >
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#28 May 12 2004 at 9:02 AM Rating: Good
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Quote:
so superman is flying around and STILL horny. he flys over the justice league building and there is wonderwoman, completely naked with her legs wide open! and superman thinks to himself "wait a minute, i can do this, im faster then a speeder bullet, i could be in and out of there in a second!" so he flys down, f*cks her! and flys away. then wonderwoman says "what the **** was that?" and the invisible man says "i dont know but my *** is killing me!"


/shudders & runs home to burn City Of Heros box

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.

The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"
#29 May 12 2004 at 9:08 AM Rating: Good
Here are 3 jokes.

Katie

Empyre

The Dutch

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#30 May 12 2004 at 9:32 AM Rating: Good
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Pirate walks into a bar with this huge steering wheel sticking out the zipper of his pants. Bartender goes "Whats with the steering wheel?". Pirate says "Arrrrr....its driving me nuts!"
#31 May 12 2004 at 10:59 AM Rating: Decent
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France.
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#32 May 12 2004 at 11:08 AM Rating: Good
^^ That guy.

**** copycat.

Die.
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#33Nmuk, Posted: May 12 2004 at 12:26 PM, Rating: Unrated, (Expand Post) how many dead babys duz it take to cover a wall?
#34 May 12 2004 at 2:33 PM Rating: Decent
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Lol, small kids or nuns dont understand such jokes ^^ its their own build-in profanity filter!
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#35 May 12 2004 at 2:40 PM Rating: Decent
Karg The Vile wrote:
Quote:
Pirate walks into a bar with this huge steering wheel sticking out the zipper of his pants. Bartender goes "Whats with the steering wheel?". Pirate says "Arrrrr....its driving me nuts!"


what the f*ck? somebody already posted the joke dumbass!
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#36 May 12 2004 at 2:48 PM Rating: Decent
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My GOD! No offense, but this could ONLY have been in USA ^^
Some people there are really hopeless....
Anyways!
Nearly the funniest thing ive ever rded(particulary the last!)
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#37 May 12 2004 at 3:00 PM Rating: Decent
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There was a second grade teacher reading her class the three little pigs.
She says:" The little pig asked the man if he could have so hay to build his house,
and do you what the man said?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says:
"Holy **** a talking pig!"


A college profressor was talking to her class about thier upcoming exam.
"There is absoluteing no excuse for missing this exam"
A male student raise his hand and asks:
"What about sexual exhaustion?"
The class laughs and the profressor not missing a beat says:
"Then you will just have to write with your other hand."
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