Marriage in this game is obviously not for me. To wit (may contain possible spoilers):
After saving up the money to buy the manor in Solitude (In-house arcane enchanter? Yes please!), I decided I'd pop the question to my **** new housecarl, Jordis the Sword-Maiden
. She obviously knows how to handle her business, as evidenced by the fact that she's kitted out in a full set of steel armor, and she's not too hard on the eyes either; she has this ****, quasi-emo Avril Lavigne
look going on. Smokin' hot, and knows how to handle a sword; best of both worlds, right?
She accepted, obviously, because who can resist a warmonger in full Daedric armor with an arrow sticking straight through his skull? No sooner was the marriage official (side note: Daedric armor apparently qualifies as proper wedding attire in Skyrim) than my new bride turned to me and asked where we should live; in my house or hers. Umm, darling, you live in my house. You're my housecarl. It's the same place
Alright, so she's not the sharpest sword in the armory, but remember: hot, and proficient in one-handed weaponry.
I quickly whisked my new wife back to my manor, where she greeted me as she always did: "Honor to you, my Thane." Oh, I see what's going on here. A little game of "Randy Thane and the Naughty Housecarl", eh? The Proudspire in my pants is under attack, and only you can save it! To battle!
At which point she marched straight downstairs and went to sleep on the dusty bedroll in the storage room.
After those embarrassing events, she continued to greet me as she always had before our nuptials, utterly cold and distant. At that point, I decided that she had obviously taken a few too many shield bashes to the head, and reloaded an older save to try my hand with a different maiden.
I settled on Mjoll the Lioness
, even though the first thing that ran through my head was that I would be basically sleeping with a female Mel Gibson circa Braveheart
. Then again, so what if half of her face is permanently covered in blue paint? At least she's not also a werewolf
The ceremony was standard affair, and she moved in right away, although again offered to let me move in with her (you live in an inn, lady). Maybe there's something in the water.
At least she greeted me differently now. Why hello, my love! It's great to see you, too. Who is that guy following you around, my love? Wait, is that the dude that was tagging along behind you in Riften? Doesn't he have someplace to be? He's not staying for good, right?
Hey pal, I'm sure she's super grateful for pulling her out of those Dwemer ruins and all, but you need to take a hike. Here's a few septims for a carriage ride back to Riften. No, seriously, get lost. Stop standing over her while she's sleeping, you creep. Can you give us a little privacy, for Mara's sake? Alright, that's it! Say hello to Mr. Stabby...
... at which point I gained a bounty of 1,000 gold in Solitude, and my dutiful new wife pulled out her two-handed battleaxe and began coming after me.
**** marriage in this game. Seriously.