) and generally enjoying acting like I was 12 again. Well, the following is an account of what transpired. Be warned, this is NOT for the faint of heart!!......Nah! I'm just pullin' your legs! It IS kinda goofy, though! Mom: Timmy?
Me: Hurmghm? (mouth full of tasty, southern vittles!)
Mom: I want to try that computer game you're always talking about.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. What is it called again? "Craft Wars"?
Me: Uh..no. It's called "World of Warcraft".
Mom: "Warcraft"? Isn't it about making leather trinkets, dresses, jewelry and flower baskets.
Me: Well, no Ma. It's about PvP combat, PvE content and interaction with MILLIONS of folks all over the world.
Mom: PVC whatzit now?
At this point, my fellow Zammers, I spend about 373 years trying to explain to my beloved mother what PvP, PvE, Crits (Yes. She thought they were something you eat at breakfast.) and MMORPGs are. And what did she ask after my thesis-worthy dissertation on all things WoW.....?
Mom: So, there's NO crafting.
Me: Well, yeah there is. But that stuff is....um....kind of SECONDARY to the fighting part and the questing.
Mom: Oh, I don't know. The crafting sounds a whole lot more fun than that pee pee veeing you were talking about, but I think I could give it a try!
Me: (sigh)
Mom: Come on! Hook me up!
Me: I don't know Ma. I'm not sure if this game is for you. Also, I got to get back home and....
Mom: Timothy! [raises her right eyebrow and points at me]
Me: Yes'm.
So, about 2 and 1/2 hours later, I've gone to the local Best Buy, gotten the WoW Battle Chest and I've nearly loaded it on my parents' computer (Luckily my brothers and I got them a new machine the previous Christmas and got rid of their Compaq Presario. Or Commodore 64. Or TI 99/4. Or Radio Shack TRS-80. Or abacus. I don't know.) Anyhoo, after I got the game installed, the real silliness began.
Me: Okay, mom. What kind of server do you want? PvP, PvE or RP?
Mom: If I get mad at someone else in the game and I want to smack him upside his noggin....?
Me: Very well. PvP it is. Next is faction; Alliance or Horde?
Mom: Who are the "good guys" again?
Me: There are no "good" or "bad" guys, Ma. They're all regular folk, like me and you! i][b]I stand up, look at an imaginary audience and begin talking in my best Broadway spotlight, "A Chorus Line" voice[/i][/b They're like Mr. Hudson down the road or little Susie Hornbach at the grocery store! YES, they MAY be on different sides of an imaginary line drawn by some mean, miserable, little game programmer, but they're just good, simple folk trying to survive, find love and a purpose! YEAH! A PURPOSE in this kooky, crazy world (of Warcraft)! AND GOD BLESS THEM FOR IT!! GOD LOVE 'EM!![spotlight fade, curtain drop...APPLAUSE!]
Mom:....?
Me: [cough]...uh...there you go.
Mom: ....Are you alright, son? You're talking funny.
Me: (sigh, again)
I decide to show Mom the various races and their attributes and let her decide.
Me: These are Night Elves. They are a mysterious, ancient race with a rich history and....
Mom: They have big ears. I don't like big ears. What else you got?
Me: Uh...okay. These are the Humans. The youngest of the races on Azero....
Mom: Now, why would I want to be something in the game that I can be in the bedroom mirror? NEXT!
Mom: [getting a headache] Well, here are the Gnomes. These guys are VERY good at engineering and science. They had to leave their ancestral home of Gnomer....
Mom: NEXT!
Me: Why? What's wrong with them?
Mom: Little folks give me the heebie jeebies! NEXT!!
Me: Welllll, we'll just skip the Dwarves then. These last guys on the Alliance side are called the Draenei. They are from another planet and they crashed their ship on Azeroth and joined....
Mom: Why do they look like the Devil?
Me: They don't look like the DEVIL!
Mom: Boy, I've gone to a southern baptist church for nearly 60 years. Horns, cloven hooves, glowing eyes. They look like the DEVIL! BEEZLEBUB! LUCIFER!! OLD SCRATCH!!! Plus, you know I hate DUKE!! GO TARHEELS!!
Me: [headache's getting worse....probably a tumor]
Mom: Let's look at the Whores.
Me: HORDE, MA! HORDE! (There's something VERY disturbing about hearing my mom say the word "whores".)
Mom: Whatever.
At this point, I'm seriously wondering if I was adopted. Seriously.
Me: Alright. These are the Blood Elves. They sort of separated from the High Elves and are addicted to magic....
Mom: That one looks like David Bowie. NEXT!
Me: I'm not EVEN going to ask.
Mom: That's probably a wise decision.
[insert moment of awkward silence]
Me: [cough!]....Moving along. These are Orcs. Brutal but noble, they were enslaved centuries ago by...
Mom: Hey! He looks like Lou Ferrigno! You know, from that Hulk TV show? Oh, he had the cutest buns. Those little ripped pants....
Me: MA! COME ON!!
Mom: Oh, poooh. Your daddy is taking a nap. AND Lou DID have a nice, tight little tushy!
Me: MOO-VING A-LONG.
Mom: (sigh)
Me: Next, we have the Forsaken. Basically, these were humans who were killed by the Scourge and became Undead, but they were freed by the Banshee Queen, Sylvanas Windrun....
Mom: So, if I played as a Forclosure...
Me: FORSAKEN, Ma.
Mom: Whatever. If I played as one of these guys, I would look like a human but with REALLY bad skin. Right?
Me:.....(DEFINITELY adopted)
Mom: What are those? The one's with the bad overbites?
Me: Those are Trolls. They are vicious, mystical creatures who used to live in Stranglethorne Vale but were....
Mom: Those are the UGLIEST hair styles I HAVE EVER seen. And I've been to Mardi Gras.
Me: [soul-searing sigh] Okay, Ma. These are the LAST race; the Taurens. They are a proud, peaceful people who want to preserve their way of life and protect nature from the ravages of....
Mom: They're like Native Americans, right?
Me: Uh..yeah. I guess they are. Why?
Mom: Well, you are part Cherokee, remember? And I LOVED "Dances With Wolves". I'll be one of those cow-people. Besides, it would be fun to squish those Gnome things!
Me: Well, ALL RIGHT!
So, after another four score and seven years of picking out skin color, horn style, facial features and the like, I ask my mom what Class she wants to be. I prepare myself for the teeth-pulling....
Me: So. Now all you need to do is pick a Class. Now there are several...
Mom: Shaman.
Me: Uh...what?
Mom: I want to be a Shaman.
Me: Okay...?
Mom: Well, the spiritual nature of the Shaman, coupled with use of elemental spells and totems allows them to provide much needed healing to their comrades while also being able to inflict massive amounts of damage onto their enemies. And, the fact that Shamans have varied abilities that allow them to fill various roles within a group, vis a vis a back-up tank, healer or damage dealer, means that I would have little problem finding a willing pick-up-group for a quest or instance.
Me:.....!
Mom: PLUS, I want to name her "GrammyShammy"!
Well, a short time later, I left my mom sitting at her computer trying to find "those cute cow-people with the yellow exclamation marks above their heads". She was REALLY getting into the game and I didn't even know if she realized I was leaving. Just as I was walking out the door, however....
Mom: FOR THE HORDE!! Love you, sweetie.
Me: Love you too, Ma.
Maybe I'm not adopted after all.
Thanks for sitting through the story folks.
CHEERS!!!
Edited, Mar 17th 2008 2:21am by darqueblueknight
