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The Melee SMN debate ends today:Follow

#1 May 03 2007 at 11:11 AM Rating: Good
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[This post has been edited by an Admin because it had offensive comedy. It's like watching the TV version of Die Hard. If you look for the original, it's out there, but maybe you will still find this funny anyway. Oh snap-I think I just gave the joke away.]


There has been a lot of debate over the very important issue of the Summoner job: Should we melee, if we can?


My name is Devilinos, the Summoner Lord. Ally to Shiva and Odin. Foe of the Emptiness. 75 SMN, 37 WHM, 22 BLM, and 15 COR. Elvaan, male. Windurst. Rank 7. Mercenary Rank: PFC. Official Roleplayer.


Some say threads about this are a plague. I don't know if that is the way I feel about them. I like them to honest.


Often, these debates evolve into flame wars because one of the sides usually takes things too seriously. I don't mean to point fingers, but it's USUALLY the side that cares about which linkshells have how many Ridils and C-Bodies. But, whatever, I'm going to handle this in a peaceful manner.




First off: the pros of Melee SMN:

1) More Damage. The monster is getting hit more. Our Accuracy isn't great, but neither is PUPs, and they do a-ok with the Sushis.

2) Spirit Taker. This pretty much solves the resting problem, especially if you macro in an INT/MND set. I wouldn't suggest totally giving up accuracy though. I'm going to do some testing with dual wielding Daggers and Mana Steal, but for now, let's stick with Spirit Taker :X.

3) It's how SE wants us to do it. Because why else can we equip weapons?



Cons:

1) None, a SMN who melees correctly will be an effective addition to any type of exp party. We can do magic damage and physical damage, and there isn't any other types of damage. Of course, there are some to disagree. But they live in a little world called "inside the box".



But what is this list to you? But something you've seen a thousand times. We need parses, that's the only thing that will solve the hunger of these elitists. And I think today...

we fulfil their hunger.




I am going to parse my damage as a SMN. This post will be our journey together as we finally set things straight for the those who wield gods by their will.


Alright, so here's my set up: (PS, I'm keeping Ramuh out)

-Thunder Staff. (DEX+4, Crit Rate+15%)
-Vermy
-AF for gloves/feet
-Errant for legs
-Bellicose mantle
-uh, you get the point, I don't feel like typing this all out



My plan is to use Ramuh and have him use his Chaotic Strike and Rolling Thunder for more DPS. When I run out of MP, I'll rest, and hopefully it will be after a chain 5 for my party.

Sounds good right? So I download this parsing thing, but don't worry, I'm deleting it right after.


Kind of confusing, but I think I got it all set up right.

So, I'm logging into FFXI...






AND @#%^!

Maintenance!!

DAMN IT SE! GG

Ugh, looks like I won't be able to parse this in your normal exp party. But no biggie, I got a Plan B.









So I go into my closet, and I pull out my Summoner attire from last years con. I get my Astral Signa that I made myself in woodworking class. My Summoner attire is made from dyed squirrel fur from the little critters I cought from my backyard. I didn't have any dye, so I used Jello Mix and green colored glue and markers. Took me like 2 months to get it perfect, but god damn I look like a Gangsta SMN if there ever was one. I just wish I had this much AF2 in-game. But doesn't matter, because this isn't a game anymore.

This time... it is for real.


So I'm thinking, how can I parse my Summoner damage in the RL. I know a park nearby that I could perhaps find opponents to check my damage against. But who? The last time I did this I got arrested. Maybe I will find a bear. That'll show those elitist scum, when I kill a bear. And then I will skin to make me a Ying Yang Robe. The ultimate victory.

So I'm going to the park on my bike, which I nicknamed after my black chocobo ThunderSky. The problem is, it's my sister's bike and it's Pink. I once tried to spraypaint it black, but I did it in a closed space and @#%^ing passed out for 2 hours from the fumes.

I arrive at the park at around 4pm, staff in hand and bookbag on back. It is a saturday, so my curfew doesn't expire until at least another 4 hours. And that's all I'll need. So far so good

The first thing I become aware of, there is a lack of bears in this park. I search for a good 30 mins, even behind the bushes and stuff. Nothing. Ridiculous. Devilinos shouldn't have to deal with this. Devilinos has defeated all three of the Promyvions.

For another 30 minutes, I was hoping to encounter wolves, imps, or treants, but no such luck. It was getting later and I'm starting to get worried. Will I be able to parse my damage? Perhaps I should of just went home at this point. Maint couldn't last much longer. But no, I'm going to beat them. I'm going to beat them and show them all. SMN CAN melee. Nothing will get in the way of this.

It was this point, my adventurers took a sour turn. I'm afraid my fellow Wielders of the Gods-kin, this will be a dark day in our history.

I was walking on a path when three youngsters, not much older than me, saw me. Their reaction to me at first was surprise. I guess I should not be offended, after all, it's not everyday you see a real-life Summoner.

However, like all stupid morons, they fear what they can't understand, which is everything apparently. They chuckle a bit and decide that I would be their little joke for awhile. However, I had other plans in mind.

If can't find any bears or wolves, then so be it, I was going to defeat these underlings in battle. So says Devilinos, the Summoner Lord.

"Hey, man, what the hell? Just what the hell are you wearing?" one of them says. This one has big white teeth, like a shark. Out of all three of them, he seems to be able to speak Human language the clearest. He is a the shortest, probably the weakest. I put him at... Easy Prey, maybe even Too Weak with Low Defense.

I'm a little annoyed, but I can't show it, not yet anyway. "For your information, I am wearing the robes that once belong to a great warrior who fell in the Great War. Some of the greatest craftersmen ever to see the sun spent their hard effort in these linens. You should show respect, for without them, our world would be lost".

At first, they are stunned. For a moment, I actually think I've gotten to them. But they erupt into loud, offensive laughter only a few seconds after. Stupid, stupid, stupid IDIOTS.

"WHAT THE @#%^?" one of them yells, this one the tallest and most ugliest of them all. Easily a T, but probably is extra substible to magics. He is laughing so hard he is almost falling over. It's almost time.

Their laughter must be some kind of idiot beacon, because a crowd is being to form. I could be in trouble, that is, if I was your ordinary Summoner. I've been through worse, a LOT WORSE. Let me tell you, even been to Ifrit's Cauldron and realize you forgot your Prism Powders? That's tough.

"My @#%^ing god, you are never going to get @#%^ like this. Holy sh*t, what is wrong with you... this is sum dungeon and dragons sh*t right here!" the third one cries out. He looks like a Ninja Turtle with his face structure and bandanna.

The short one, with the sharkish grin, gets very close to me. He seems interested in my Summoner's Horn.

"Why do you have a d i c k on your face?"

This was it, now was my chance.

The plan? Hit them hard and fast. After a furray of swipes, end it with a Spirit Taker and summon Titan for a quick 2hr. I think today was Earthsday. Altana help me if it isn't, if they survive my Astral Flow, I could be in serious trouble. I knew I should of checked my Vana'diel Clock before I came out here. But no matter now, it was do or die. Maat's teachings be with me...

"Why- do- you- have- a @#%^in'- d i c k- on- yur- fa" he starts to say slow with a mocking tone as people laugh, but sorry you bastard, I shove the end of my Astral Signa into his face. He clucks back, stunned.

"What the @#%^?!" one of his friends shouts. I'll show you what the @#%^, I'll show you all what the @#%^. I do it again, this time I hit his ribs. This time, it hardly harms him, and he grabs my end.

It's getting hot. Damn it all, this squirrel fur is making me itchy at the most terrible of times.

He is able to whip out the staff from within my hands and things are looking bad. His friends don't even join him. Overconfidence will be your downfall, @#%^.

He punches me in the face, and it feels like nothing I would expect it to. He's fast and I fall. He kicks me, but I'm able to get up. The staff, it's close, I can make it if I run. Its like the sun is on his side, as the jello mix that bless my armor begins to drips with and mix my sweat. Slowly, I'm becoming greener and greener.

Just before I am able to reach for my Astral Signa, I'm tripped. This man knows kickboxing I believe. He looks bored, as he thinks he has beaten me. He walks away, but I get up and grab my staff. Charging with furious might I go after him, ready to butt him on the back of the head. One of his friends are well aware of my tactics. He grabs me and punches me in the chest. Critical Hit. And then he breaks my Astral Signa. What a douchebag.

I drop and I think I might have been crying a bit at this point, but I didn't feel like it. I still had the upper-hand, they didn't know.

"Yo, stay the @#%^ down, its done" he looks like he is beginning pity me. NO ONE PITIES DEVILIONOS.

I take off my bookbag and I put it down. They all turn, a bit worried for what I may pull out. A gun? Ha-ha, no, you stupid @#%^s, I am not a Ranger.

I pull out three pieces of wood, so finely crafted it would make the treants of Jugner cry. On one piece is a strip of Plaid, made from an old T-Shirt and painted with red ink and gold glitter. I attach the three pieces and my staff is complete. Weeks of work and their fates are sealed: I have brought my Claustrum into the equation.

"Do you not know your folly? Do you not know your danger?" I said, in my voice is the deep empathy for what they are about to experience. No man should.

"Wow this fat sh*t has straight up lost it" one of them says.

"Hahaha!" I laugh.

"Um, wow" someone in crowd behind me says. This crowd is now rather large. They are amazed. They are amazed by the great Devilinos. And they should be.

"Do you not know who I AM? I am Devilinos! You are nothing but mischief makers" I shout to them, this was their final warning. I get a little closer.

"I've seen the horrors of the Emptiness and survived. I've gained the respect of Kings and Presidents. I've fought on the streets of Al Zahbi... SIDE BY SIDE with the great Serpent Generals as we deflect the forces of the Mamool Ja Horde! I've succeed where others have failed, and defeated the challenges laid before by the Twilight God, the shameful, the hateful Promathia! I've gained the trust the Celestrials and the Terrestrials!"


"I AM A HERO. YOUR @#%^ MIGHT DOES NOTHING TO ME! I HAVE SOLOED TIITTTAAAANNN!"


It was at this point I lost consciousness. Apparently, I was punched in the face again, but it all seems like a blur now. I woke up several hours later on a park bench. On my chest laid my Claustrum, broken... they've soiled a treasure, those fools.

I walk to my Bike and I ride home. Maybe maintenance is over. Stupid @#%^s.

Edited, May 3rd 2007 3:15pm by SMNLORDDev

Edited, May 4th 2007 10:33am by Exodus

Edited, May 4th 2007 1:42pm by SMNLORDDev
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#2 May 03 2007 at 11:12 AM Rating: Default
Wall of text.
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#3 May 03 2007 at 11:14 AM Rating: Good
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posting in a legendary thread.

Wow.
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Now THIS is PvP!

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#4 May 03 2007 at 11:17 AM Rating: Good
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Someone forgot their meds again, quick, head up from the basement and ask mom for your "vitamins."
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#5 May 03 2007 at 11:18 AM Rating: Excellent
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I'm lost for words.
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#6 May 03 2007 at 11:19 AM Rating: Good
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Well now...someone was bored today weren't they?

Funny as hell though.
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#7 May 03 2007 at 11:19 AM Rating: Decent
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I'm gonna just go with "wtf?" here...
#8 May 03 2007 at 11:19 AM Rating: Excellent
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SMN/BST is the way of the future.
Racist, eminently deletable, ban-bait threads on Alla suxx.
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#9 May 03 2007 at 11:23 AM Rating: Good
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as long as i don't have to party with them on BRD, do whatever you want.
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#10 May 03 2007 at 11:30 AM Rating: Good
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The funny thing is that I though it was a serious post at the beggining.
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#11 May 03 2007 at 11:35 AM Rating: Good
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In before craftermath!

and bel-air
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#12 May 03 2007 at 11:38 AM Rating: Good
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it seems a few people lost interest early on... and i can see it was in good fun... that was absolutely awesome.
#13 May 03 2007 at 11:43 AM Rating: Good
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SMN Dev wrote:
The first thing I become aware of, there is a lack of bears in this park. I search for a good 30 mins, even behind the bushes and stuff. Nothing. Ridiculous. Devilinos shouldn't have to deal with this. Devilinos has defeated all three of the Promyvions.


This is where I lost it. Too funny.
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Everytime Arcturus sees this, he starts to die inside.......I know it D:
actually, i think every time Acturus is called Arcturus he dies inside.


Now THIS is PvP!

MNK ~ SMN ~ SCH
#14 May 03 2007 at 11:46 AM Rating: Good
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holy hell... I'm not sure if I got dumber for reading that, or if its one of the funniest things I've read on here in awhile...
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#15 May 03 2007 at 11:47 AM Rating: Good
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I enjoyed it :D
#16 May 03 2007 at 11:50 AM Rating: Decent
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tl:dr, gtfo my interbutts meree summoners
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#17 May 03 2007 at 11:51 AM Rating: Good
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I quit reading after "I pulled my Summoner attire from last years con". My head starting hurting at that point.
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#18 May 03 2007 at 11:56 AM Rating: Good
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WOOONDERRRRBOOOOYYY

WON'T YOU TAKE ME AWAY FROM THE MUCKY-MUCK
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#19 May 03 2007 at 11:57 AM Rating: Good
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I'm not sure what to think, so I'll just call it as stunned. That's some crazy crap dude, and I'm hoping it's an early Friday thread.
#20 May 03 2007 at 11:57 AM Rating: Good
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SMNLORDDev wrote:
So I'm going to the park on my bike, which I nicknamed after my black chocobo ThunderSky. The problem is, it's my sister's bike and it's Pink. I once tried to spraypaint it black, but I did it in a closed space and @#%^ing passed out for 2 hours from the fumes.


Thank God I still had the mug in front of my face, otherwise I think I would have drenched my keyboard.
#21 May 03 2007 at 11:59 AM Rating: Excellent
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That was quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. I'm bookmarking this biotch for future hilarity... awesome.
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#22 May 03 2007 at 12:01 PM Rating: Good
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Hahaha, thanks for making me laugh, OP <3
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#23 May 03 2007 at 12:02 PM Rating: Excellent
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I am owed a new keyboard (*'-')b
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#24 May 03 2007 at 12:03 PM Rating: Excellent
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I actually laughed out loud multiple times... thank god I'm the boss of my office or I'd probably be fired. :p

Legendary this thread is.
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#25 May 03 2007 at 12:07 PM Rating: Good
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Sad thing is I could just see the slow motion when he's yelling, "I Soloed Titan!!!" and the dude's punch connecting with his face twisting it with spit flying out and knocking Summoner guy out.
#26 May 03 2007 at 12:10 PM Rating: Decent
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But doesn't matter, because this isn't a game anymore.

This time... it is for real.


Tears man... I'm in tears at work.. really LOL'ing. I'm so glad my boss lady went home today.

Got a little racist, but comedy is kinda racey stuff.
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#27 May 03 2007 at 12:16 PM Rating: Good
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SMNLORDDev wrote:

The short one, with the sharkish grin, gets very close to me. He seems interested in my Summoner's Horn.

"Why do you have a d i c k on your face?"


I almost fell of my chair
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#28 May 03 2007 at 12:17 PM Rating: Excellent
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No no, shh, he is legend.
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#29 May 03 2007 at 12:17 PM Rating: Excellent
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i actually believed this was genuine, i thought he was tryin to prove SMN could melee well along side an avatar @.@
i still believed him, infact, when he started talking about going out to try it 'for real'. and i have no idea why i DID believe him. but yeah, then when he got to the bit about fighting the 'negros' i slapped myself for thinking this could possibly be anything but a joke thread.

<3 teh joke threads
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#30 May 03 2007 at 12:20 PM Rating: Excellent
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Starts off slow but redeems itself after "maintenance and Plan B". Nice work, had me LOLing.
#31 May 03 2007 at 12:22 PM Rating: Excellent
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lmfao funny as hell if it was RL then u got big BALLS dude.just to wear the gear lol.
#32 May 03 2007 at 12:28 PM Rating: Excellent
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SMNLORDDev wrote:
There has been a lot of debate over the very important issue of the Summoner job: Should we melee, if we can?

... snip ...


It was at this point I lost consciousness. Apparently, I was punched in the face again, but it all seems like a blur now. I woke up several hours later on a park bench. On my chest laid my Claustrum, broken... they've soiled a treasure, those fools.

I walk to my Bike and I ride home. Maybe maintenance is over. Stupid @#%^s.


So, in response to the original question, I guess this means no meelee for smn.
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#33 May 03 2007 at 12:30 PM Rating: Excellent
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If I had a BRD and maybe some Warcry from a Warrior in the party, I could have easily lasted a lot longer. I didn't say SUMMONER COULD TANK, I said they could melee. Really now, what do you take me for? A bafoon?
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#34 May 03 2007 at 12:33 PM Rating: Excellent
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God bless you good sir. I'm so excited I have to pee.
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#35 May 03 2007 at 12:36 PM Rating: Good
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To the back line, cure boy. More cures, pls.
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#36 May 03 2007 at 12:36 PM Rating: Good
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the second i saw the 3 "negroes" come in (by the way OP, the 'stupid' was totally unnecessary), i scanned for the bel-airness.

i was very surprised not to see any ^^ amusing read.
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#37 May 03 2007 at 12:37 PM Rating: Excellent
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This may be a joke thread... But they really can melee! I will show the world!
#38 May 03 2007 at 12:37 PM Rating: Good
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This is the first post on Alla where I have actually laughed out loud. And what makes it even worse is - i'm at work.
This is definatly the first time I have ever tried so hard not to laugh - it caused tears to come from my eyes because of something i read on an internet forum.

When I log on tonight, I will make every one in my LS read this.

So funny - Rate up for everyone!
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#39 May 03 2007 at 12:40 PM Rating: Decent
Wow, that was pretty hilarious.

I hope people don't get upset over the over-the-top racism, because it appeared to all be in jest.

Even if it does upset some people, it's still hilarious.
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#40 May 03 2007 at 12:45 PM Rating: Good
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Acturus wrote:
posting in a legendary thread.

Wow.


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#41 May 03 2007 at 12:45 PM Rating: Default
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No comment.
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#42 May 03 2007 at 12:57 PM Rating: Excellent
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So THIS is what would happen if Bloodninja played FFXI and there was maintenance.
#43 May 03 2007 at 1:03 PM Rating: Good
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**Just for fun**

SMN/WAR with:
Perdu Wand,Viking Shield,Tiphia Sting,O.hat,Chiv.Chain,Merman Earx2,Tabin Jupon+1,Tabin Bracers+1,Triumpth Ringx2,Bellicose Mantle,Potent Belt,Prince Slops and Tabin Boots+1. Gonna have to add 8 club merits too.

Thats Acc+47, Att+50, STR+18 and Club Skill 241 w/Black Halo. SMN/WAR base strength is 59, WAR is 77, this at least gets you to WAR base. Perdu Wand is DMG 39/Delay216 under 100TP and during WS.

**Just for fun**
#44 May 03 2007 at 1:35 PM Rating: Default
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Wow, you're about as funny as Michael Richards. Racial comments are often a part of comedy, but they typically contribute to the joke. Yours didn't at all. They are both unnecessary and obscene, and a nice reflection of the common gamer stereotype of the the uneducated, pasty, fat,white kid who doesn't have an ounce of social competence in him.

5% of this was mildly amusing, the rest was garbage and we should be a little ashamed to have showered it with so much praise.

Someone please lock it.
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#45 May 03 2007 at 1:39 PM Rating: Excellent
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Lailie wrote:
Wow, you're about as funny as Michael Richards. Racial comments are often a part of comedy, but they typically contribute to the joke. Yours didn't at all. They are both unnecessary and obscene, and a nice reflection of the common gamer stereotype of the the uneducated, pasty, fat,white kid who doesn't have an ounce of social competence in him.


Wow, Michael Richards reference, how original when debasing ethnic slur usage.

If my rules of comedic engagment are still up to date, self-deprecating humor and ethnic references from the point of view of self-deprecated individual allow it.

But hey, it's comedy, which is alwasy subjective.
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milich wrote:
Quote:
Everytime Arcturus sees this, he starts to die inside.......I know it D:
actually, i think every time Acturus is called Arcturus he dies inside.


Now THIS is PvP!

MNK ~ SMN ~ SCH
#46 May 03 2007 at 1:40 PM Rating: Good
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Dude, you shoulda just HP'd the first time you got knocked down, taking an RB then getting knocked down again, that must suck O_o
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#47 May 03 2007 at 1:51 PM Rating: Decent
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Quote:
Thats Acc+47, Att+50, STR+18 and Club Skill 241 w/Black Halo. SMN/WAR base strength is 59, WAR is 77, this at least gets you to WAR base. Perdu Wand is DMG 39/Delay216 under 100TP and during WS.


Not as good as a staff. Retribution is a lot better at 100 than black halo in any case.

Quote:
So THIS is what would happen if Bloodninja played FFXI and there was maintenance.


For some reaosn I picture bloodninja brutally mutilating his opponents before feeding them to his rhinocerous...

not getting owned

Edited, May 3rd 2007 5:52pm by Pensive
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#48 May 03 2007 at 1:55 PM Rating: Default
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If my rules of comedic engagment are still up to date, self-deprecating humor and ethnic references from the point of view of self-deprecated individual allow it.


Right, but the OP is not an African American comedian in a night club. He is an anonymous poster on the internet. Text online does not have the point of view of that individual and so its inappropriate to make these kind of comments.
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#49 May 03 2007 at 2:00 PM Rating: Good
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Very funny story, and I did begin to wonder if the poster was...psychotic in some way....

The story did make me a bit uncomfortable because of the racial reference.
There's a self-reflexiveness in how the writer describes the boys in the park - it's as if he's aware his description is racist, but he is trying hard to make it not so. In one sentence, the boys are "African-Americans". In another they are "blacks", in others they are "Negros".

I understand your trying to convey a sense of fear or dread, but you have to understand that that feeling, about a particular race, is Racist, no matter how you dress it up.

That said, it is, unfortunately, a part of our lives. >< As a writer, you don't run away from conflicts, you address them. But how do you do that without sounding like you were born into the Church of White Power?
The first problem is, the piece is written in first person - this is YOU talking.
If the piece was written from 3rd person, and you were an OBSERVER to someone else's actions, you would feel much more free to put strongly racist words in their mouth, ala the first 5 minutes of "The Departed".

The second problem is, that part of the story isn't supposed to be about who's confronting you, it's about you confronting your feelings of Summoner inadequacy. But you don't describe yourself, you don't describe the crowd of kids that gathered to watch, but you take the time to describe the kids you confront.
Now the story isn't about your SMN adventures - it's about how you feel about blacks.

There's no reason to bring race into your story, even if it were a true story. You could say "some tough looking kids", and it would be just as well. You could go even further, "Some urban-looking kids" "Some kids straight out of a 50-Cent video", or whatever, and not cross this line.
But as written, the piece says to the reader "Black people scare me", and expects this attitude will resonate with the reader. That's racist.
And it's unfortunate, because it ruins an otherwise hilarious edge-of-sanity rant, and because it's sad people continue to perpetuate these types of things.





Edited, May 3rd 2007 5:06pm by Turnerbrown
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#50 May 03 2007 at 2:03 PM Rating: Excellent
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While the post aims to be generally funny, I don't appreciate in the slightest bit the racism in this post.

I'd suggest editing out the racial parts and keeping what's actually funny, as a complaint will get this post nuked.
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#51 May 03 2007 at 2:21 PM Rating: Excellent
It's easier to take offense for some than it is to enjoy some humor... such a shame that everyone has to constantly walk on politically correct eggshells. I guess being in a multi-culture marriage for 12 years and having children that look more like someone elses makes me desensitized.

The main character was the epitome of a gaming geek and I'm assuming he was trying to relate the three kids as park thugs. Gahhhhh... just leave blanks and let each race/ethnicity/culture worried person fill them in as desired so this doesn't get pulled from the boards.

I would love to see a Youtube rendition of this actually... I have this image of that midget from Mencia playing the part of the main character... quite amusing.
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