[This post has been edited by an Admin because it had offensive comedy. It's like watching the TV version of Die Hard. If you look for the original, it's out there, but maybe you will still find this funny anyway. Oh snap-I think I just gave the joke away.]
There has been a lot of debate over the very important issue of the Summoner job: Should we melee, if we can?
My name is Devilinos, the Summoner Lord. Ally to Shiva and Odin. Foe of the Emptiness. 75 SMN, 37 WHM, 22 BLM, and 15 COR. Elvaan, male. Windurst. Rank 7. Mercenary Rank: PFC. Official Roleplayer.
Some say threads about this are a plague. I don't know if that is the way I feel about them. I like them to honest.
Often, these debates evolve into flame wars because one of the sides usually takes things too seriously. I don't mean to point fingers, but it's USUALLY the side that cares about which linkshells have how many Ridils and C-Bodies. But, whatever, I'm going to handle this in a peaceful manner.
First off: the pros of Melee SMN:
1) More Damage. The monster is getting hit more. Our Accuracy isn't great, but neither is PUPs, and they do a-ok with the Sushis.
2) Spirit Taker. This pretty much solves the resting problem, especially if you macro in an INT/MND set. I wouldn't suggest totally giving up accuracy though. I'm going to do some testing with dual wielding Daggers and Mana Steal, but for now, let's stick with Spirit Taker :X.
3) It's how SE wants us to do it. Because why else can we equip weapons?
1) None, a SMN who melees correctly will be an effective addition to any type of exp party. We can do magic damage and physical damage, and there isn't any other types of damage. Of course, there are some to disagree. But they live in a little world called "inside the box".
But what is this list to you? But something you've seen a thousand times. We need parses, that's the only thing that will solve the hunger of these elitists. And I think today...
we fulfil their hunger.
I am going to parse my damage as a SMN. This post will be our journey together as we finally set things straight for the those who wield gods by their will.
Alright, so here's my set up: (PS, I'm keeping Ramuh out)
-Thunder Staff. (DEX+4, Crit Rate+15%)
-AF for gloves/feet
-Errant for legs
-uh, you get the point, I don't feel like typing this all out
My plan is to use Ramuh and have him use his Chaotic Strike and Rolling Thunder for more DPS. When I run out of MP, I'll rest, and hopefully it will be after a chain 5 for my party.
Sounds good right? So I download this parsing thing, but don't worry, I'm deleting it right after.
Kind of confusing, but I think I got it all set up right.
So, I'm logging into FFXI...
**** IT SE! GG
Ugh, looks like I won't be able to parse this in your normal exp party. But no biggie, I got a Plan B.
So I go into my closet, and I pull out my Summoner attire from last years con. I get my Astral Signa that I made myself in woodworking class. My Summoner attire is made from dyed squirrel fur from the little critters I cought from my backyard. I didn't have any dye, so I used Jello Mix and green colored glue and markers. Took me like 2 months to get it perfect, but god **** I look like a Gangsta SMN if there ever was one. I just wish I had this much AF2 in-game. But doesn't matter, because this isn't a game anymore.
This time... it is for real.
So I'm thinking, how can I parse my Summoner damage in the RL. I know a park nearby that I could perhaps find opponents to check my damage against. But who? The last time I did this I got arrested. Maybe I will find a bear. That'll show those elitist scum, when I kill a bear. And then I will skin to make me a Ying Yang Robe. The ultimate victory.
So I'm going to the park on my bike, which I nicknamed after my black chocobo ThunderSky. The problem is, it's my sister's bike and it's Pink. I once tried to spraypaint it black, but I did it in a closed space and @#%^ing passed out for 2 hours from the fumes.
I arrive at the park at around 4pm, staff in hand and bookbag on back. It is a saturday, so my curfew doesn't expire until at least another 4 hours. And that's all I'll need. So far so good
The first thing I become aware of, there is a lack of bears in this park. I search for a good 30 mins, even behind the bushes and stuff. Nothing. Ridiculous. Devilinos shouldn't have to deal with this. Devilinos has defeated all three of the Promyvions.
For another 30 minutes, I was hoping to encounter wolves, imps, or treants, but no such luck. It was getting later and I'm starting to get worried. Will I be able to parse my damage? Perhaps I should of just went home at this point. Maint couldn't last much longer. But no, I'm going to beat them. I'm going to beat them and show them all. SMN CAN melee. Nothing will get in the way of this.
It was this point, my adventurers took a sour turn. I'm afraid my fellow Wielders of the Gods-kin, this will be a dark day in our history.
I was walking on a path when three youngsters, not much older than me, saw me. Their reaction to me at first was surprise. I guess I should not be offended, after all, it's not everyday you see a real-life Summoner.
However, like all stupid morons, they fear what they can't understand, which is everything apparently. They chuckle a bit and decide that I would be their little joke for awhile. However, I had other plans in mind.
If can't find any bears or wolves, then so be it, I was going to defeat these underlings in battle. So says Devilinos, the Summoner Lord.
"Hey, man, what the hell? Just what the **** are you wearing?" one of them says. This one has big white teeth, like a shark. Out of all three of them, he seems to be able to speak Human language the clearest. He is a the shortest, probably the weakest. I put him at... Easy Prey, maybe even Too Weak with Low Defense.
I'm a little annoyed, but I can't show it, not yet anyway. "For your information, I am wearing the robes that once belong to a great warrior who fell in the Great War. Some of the greatest craftersmen ever to see the sun spent their hard effort in these linens. You should show respect, for without them, our world would be lost".
At first, they are stunned. For a moment, I actually think I've gotten to them. But they erupt into loud, offensive laughter only a few seconds after. Stupid, stupid, stupid IDIOTS.
"WHAT THE @#%^?" one of them yells, this one the tallest and most ugliest of them all. Easily a T, but probably is extra substible to magics. He is laughing so hard he is almost falling over. It's almost time.
Their laughter must be some kind of idiot beacon, because a crowd is being to form. I could be in trouble, that is, if I was your ordinary Summoner. I've been through worse, a LOT WORSE. Let me tell you, even been to Ifrit's Cauldron and realize you forgot your Prism Powders? That's tough.
"My @#%^ing god, you are never going to get @#%^ like this. Holy sh*t, what is wrong with you... this is sum dungeon and dragons sh*t right here!" the third one cries out. He looks like a Ninja Turtle with his face structure and bandanna.
The short one, with the sharkish grin, gets very close to me. He seems interested in my Summoner's Horn.
"Why do you have a d i c k on your face?"
This was it, now was my chance.
The plan? Hit them hard and fast. After a furray of swipes, end it with a Spirit Taker and summon Titan for a quick 2hr. I think today was Earthsday. Altana help me if it isn't, if they survive my Astral Flow, I could be in serious trouble. I knew I should of checked my Vana'diel Clock before I came out here. But no matter now, it was do or die. Maat's teachings be with me...
"Why- do- you- have- a @#%^in'- d i c k- on- yur- fa" he starts to say slow with a mocking tone as people laugh, but sorry you bastard, I shove the end of my Astral Signa into his face. He clucks back, stunned.
"What the @#%^?!" one of his friends shouts. I'll show you what the @#%^, I'll show you all what the @#%^. I do it again, this time I hit his ribs. This time, it hardly harms him, and he grabs my end.
It's getting hot. **** it all, this squirrel fur is making me itchy at the most terrible of times.
He is able to whip out the staff from within my hands and things are looking bad. His friends don't even join him. Overconfidence will be your downfall, @#%^.
He punches me in the face, and it feels like nothing I would expect it to. He's fast and I fall. He kicks me, but I'm able to get up. The staff, it's close, I can make it if I run. Its like the sun is on his side, as the jello mix that bless my armor begins to drips with and mix my sweat. Slowly, I'm becoming greener and greener.
Just before I am able to reach for my Astral Signa, I'm tripped. This man knows kickboxing I believe. He looks bored, as he thinks he has beaten me. He walks away, but I get up and grab my staff. Charging with furious might I go after him, ready to **** him on the back of the head. One of his friends are well aware of my tactics. He grabs me and punches me in the chest. Critical Hit. And then he breaks my Astral Signa. What a douchebag.
I drop and I think I might have been crying a bit at this point, but I didn't feel like it. I still had the upper-hand, they didn't know.
"Yo, stay the @#%^ down, its done" he looks like he is beginning pity me. NO ONE PITIES DEVILIONOS.
I take off my bookbag and I put it down. They all turn, a bit worried for what I may pull out. A gun? Ha-ha, no, you stupid @#%^s, I am not a Ranger.
I pull out three pieces of wood, so finely crafted it would make the treants of Jugner cry. On one piece is a strip of Plaid, made from an old T-Shirt and painted with red ink and gold glitter. I attach the three pieces and my staff is complete. Weeks of work and their fates are sealed: I have brought my Claustrum into the equation.
"Do you not know your folly? Do you not know your danger?" I said, in my voice is the deep empathy for what they are about to experience. No man should.
"Wow this fat sh*t has straight up lost it" one of them says.
"Hahaha!" I laugh.
"Um, wow" someone in crowd behind me says. This crowd is now rather large. They are amazed. They are amazed by the great Devilinos. And they should be.
"Do you not know who I AM? I am Devilinos! You are nothing but mischief makers" I shout to them, this was their final warning. I get a little closer.
"I've seen the horrors of the Emptiness and survived. I've gained the respect of Kings and Presidents. I've fought on the streets of Al Zahbi... SIDE BY SIDE with the great Serpent Generals as we deflect the forces of the Mamool Ja Horde! I've succeed where others have failed, and defeated the challenges laid before by the Twilight God, the shameful, the hateful Promathia! I've gained the trust the Celestrials and the Terrestrials!"
"I AM A HERO. YOUR @#%^ MIGHT DOES NOTHING TO ME! I HAVE SOLOED TIITTTAAAANNN!"
It was at this point I lost consciousness. Apparently, I was punched in the face again, but it all seems like a blur now. I woke up several hours later on a park bench. On my chest laid my Claustrum, broken... they've soiled a treasure, those fools.
I walk to my Bike and I ride home. Maybe maintenance is over. Stupid @#%^s.
Edited, May 3rd 2007 3:15pm by SMNLORDDev
Edited, May 4th 2007 10:33am by Exodus
Edited, May 4th 2007 1:42pm by SMNLORDDev