3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"
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The pessimist says, "My glass is half empty."
The optimist says, "My glass is half full."
The engineer says, "What moron made this glass? It has twice the mass required to hold the fluid!"
The mathematition says "the glass contains 49.99 % of its maximum capacity."
The drunk says, "Are you gonna drink that?"
The psychiatrist says "the glass is your really mother."
The biker at the end of the bar also says the glass is your mother.
Special Alla version:
Group A: The glass is half empty. I think its time we had a refill.
Group B: Quit whining, the glass is so obviously half full. You'r glass must have a leak in it, my glass isn't having a problem with emptying to fast.
Group A: All I said was it's half empty, I didn't say anything about it draining to fast.
Group B: Well you said it was half empty, you started off all negative, implying you think your glass should still be full. people like you are just never happy, you prolly expect the bartender to jam the whole damn keg into your glass, or stand over you pouring it all night.
Group C: has it occured to you 2 that there may not be a "right" or "wrong" answer here, and your both arguing over nothing? The bartender is busy, give him sec to get over here jeez.
Group B rates down group A. Groub A rates down Group B. Everyone and their mother nukes the **** out of Group C, and insists that Group C was actually part of A or B. The next day they all found a new problem to ***** at each other over, and it went the same way.
They all failed at the internet together, and lived crappily ever after. The end.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
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A man in a Southern California supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some Dumbass wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada , sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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