ldon hellFollow

i stole this from a post at eqrangers.com
who stole it from somewhere elseit iskinda long but very funny


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Yes, friends, I found it. What would be the long lost elephant burial grounds to an african naturalist, this comes close. What the holy grail would be to a biblical historian, I hath found.

I found the worst f--king group of people to level to 65 and ask me to join a group. I was totally unable to salvage this one, and at a certain point in the adventure I gave up trying to save it and just had to sit back and laugh at it as we went.

It was that bad.

Let me begin with a profile of my groupmembers, names changed to protect the guilty. Let me also add that I was tricked into this group and didn't have the sense to back out despite the deep forboding, not dissimilar to the feeling you get when approaching a live powerline sitting in a pool of water severed in several places.

D00d - 65 dr00d. This guy has been reported on the server boards at least twice for trying to ninja BoT minis as well as training groups in pojustice (yea, wtf?), and once for having an alt ninja a mask off RZTW off a rival guild on the server. Real bubbly attitude, doesn't speak english too good, but in a way that makes you think he's 8 years old rather than simply learning it as a 2nd language. He enjoys making encounters harder in order to make them more challenging to himself, as they are beneath him... he does this by making sure every add is dotted, every runner unsnared, and not buffing the group whatsoever. He did his job well.

Triggerhappy - 65 Cl3r1c - Ah, trigger. Again, famous member of the messageboards, this one insisting that the DPS of the group be that much better because he love to swingeth the vallon zek hammer he merited to himself on his own pickup raid. His nuke DPS rivals that of a wizards with the zealous rate he casts them. He's also quite good with money... he need not spend any on dots because, and I quote, "I don't need to buff we fine". He's quite the survivor, however... has gate memmed at all times and is not afraid to use it, no matter how far away that bind point might be.

Stud - 65 Warrior - Even as an elemental / VT geared caster, it seriously surprises me to meet a warrior that I have more hp than. It also surprises me to learn he's using weapons that I wouldn't twink with (dear God, that really WAS a wurmslayer I just saw...). Beyond that, he's extremely quick witted for a vegitable, and always puts life before the game (also known in some circles as the AFK 5000). If you ever need an example of how little equipment matters in EQ over skill, this guy would fit the bill, as he had plentiful amounts of neither.

Lumps - 65 BST - Lumps would tell you... a smart BST doesn't have a pet out in single group adventures, and tries not to melee unless totally necisary, as most of his DPS comes from group buffs and spells. He will buff when asked however. He is the strong, silent type, and much like a lobotomized chimpanzee, will do as asked without question so long as you give enough instructions (along the lines of... moving now, okay moving SOUTH now, moving SOUTH DOWN THE PASSAGE, BUELER, BUELER....). He's extremely efficient, and like D00d, will make sure every add is dotted with haste.

L33T - 60 Ranger - L33T is a member of what was once the top guild on the server. Well, sort of, see the guild isn't at the top anymore. It's up there still, though. Problem is he dropped out of it sometime during early Velious and waited until this perfect alignment of the stars to set up EQ again and join this group. Best gear an AAless velks farmer with a VP key can buy, and wears his tag like a badge of honor and permission to brag ceaselessly. Back then he had a reason to be an elitist ***. I guess he still has a reason now despite being gone for so long, and he had the sense to get buffed elsewhere before joining this group -- so he's got more HP than our beloved Stud, and he's quick to assist after the 5 minutes or so it takes Stud to click a target and press the Autoattack button.

Victim - 65 Enchanter - That'd be me. Lessee, mmm, little about myself. I've played this game constantly since early kunark and have seen ups and downs as far as groups go, and despite some whoppers, have until now been spared the honor of having the highly lauded WORST GROUP EVAR!!!1! award. As I play a wider range of hours than most of my guild, so I use pickups keep me busy during offtimes. I'll group with just about anyone who'll work with me at least a little and I can often pull even bad groups out of bad scenarios. This group exhuasted every option I had of helping them, but despite the record XP lost in a normal ldon adventure, the experience was quite commical.

This is my story.

So, it's one of them off hours. Check the guild roster to see if anyones interested... find out I'm the only one on that aint a bazaar mule (and a bit peaved because I, too, had tried to use a bazaar mule but got balked by the 550 trader thing). I didn't feel like soloing, and what the hell, one more mission anywhere in ldon and I'd get another 40hp aug.

Flicked LFG on.

Much to my surprise at this late an hour, I almost immediately receive a tell.

D00d tells you, "hey wanna do MM?"
You tell D00d, "ah, sure... that Miraguls Menagerie or MistMoore?"
D00d tells you, "Mystmore"
Warning, DANGER will robinson. Did you see how he spelled that?
L33t tells you, "need an ench for mistmoore?"
You tell L33t, "Do I? no."
L33t tells you, "=b wanna do MM?"
You tell D00d, "Sure."
Lights in my house flicker. Gee, I hope my power doesn't go out. Wonder how windy it is outside.
You tell L33t, "thank you for the offer but I just found a group."
L33t tells you, "bah ***** them join mine!"
You tell L33t, "I can't :/"
L33t tells you, "ok. we just found a chanter anyway, sux0r for you."

Yes, sux0r for me indeed.

You say, "butcherblock you sorry excuse for a nexus"
Magus Longtom says, "Safe Journeys"
You have entered the Butcherblock Mountains.
You say, "Hail, D00d."
He turns to look at me. The length of time that passes in silence as we stare into each other's eyes is incalculable, as he is either quite enamored with me, or just slipped into a coma.
3 minutes (ish) later.
You say, "Hail, D00d."
D00d says, "whut"

Hihi we just exchanged tells? I'm your groupmember, yknow, the one you sent a tell to earlier? Not two ******* minutes ago? Forget already did we?

D00d begins to cast a spell.
Your body pulses with an avian spirit.

He turns away. Remember that foreboding feeling I mentioned earlier? It's in full swing now, just barely below the surface screaming at me to pull the plug out of my computer and run to the nearest library for fear of loosing some of my intelligence to this vacume in front of me. HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDIN UP?? Okay, maybe he's amnesiatic or something. I'll give him a hint...

You tell D00d, "I'm ready for the group invite when you are."
He turns to look at me again. If I could wave my characters hands in front of this guy, I would. My God. I should have given up right then.
D00d invites you to join a group.
Thank you JESUS, HE GOT IT!
You join the group.
D00d has joined the group.
L33t has joined the group.
Stud has joined the group.
Trigger has joined the group.
Lumps has joined the group.
L33t tells the group, "I thought you said you found a group..."
You tell the group, "Yea, D00d sent me the tell."
D00d tells the group, "oh lol. Yea hes quicker than me"

Oh...lord.

D00d tells the group,"We get slaughter"
Stud tells the group, "AFK"
Trigger tells the group, "k."
You tell the group, "We got a slaughter? Cool, take it."
D00d tells the group, "no."
You tell the group,"uh... ohkay, get whatcha want"
D00d tells the group, "we get slaughter"
Trigger tells the group, "Can I king? dots cost a lot"

Now normally I don't have a problem with this. I did not know, however, that Trigger was refering to the dot costs that he was only going to cast upon himself.

Lumps tells the group,"I don't mind"
You tell the group, "fine by me."
D00d tells the group, "mmm. got collect"
You tell the group, "just take it, it'll go fine"
D00d tells the group, "we get slaughter"

It dawned on me later that D00d telling us all, "we get slaughter", was, in fact, an omen. Yes, we would indeed get slaughtered. We would also wait here all damn night until he managed to GET a slaughter mission for us to become slaughtered in.

And there we sat in reletive silence with D00d telling us the occational "dam, collect." "dam, rescue." "lololol asas" etc etc.

About 15 minutes later,
Stud tells the group, "back."
D00d tells the group, "wtf another rescue"
Victim begins chewing on her knuckles and rocking back and forth.
Someguy00 shouts, "Lol, how did dr00d get a group"
Someguy01 shouts, "I wouldn't group with a ninja either"
D00d shouts, "f--k you p--sy b---h"
Apparently his grasp of english in this area is a tad better.
D00d shouts, "stop harassing me"
Someguy02 shouts, "stop training BoT mini groups"

This whole thing, of course, serves to delay us even longer to finding a mission.

5 minutes later.
D00d tells the group, "woot slaughter"
D00d shouts, "you're gayer k"
The previous someguyXX have apparently found an adventure and gone on it already. D00d is busilly trying to rack up another suspention for swearing in public channels apparently.
Adventure window pops up. "Your execution is to take place in the deep caverns in mistmoore catacombs. We want you to kill an impossible number of mobs for the group you have selected. Please, Victim, disband and never look back. Jesus weeps for you."
I didn't read that until too late, unfortunately.
So, off we go to the dungeon.
You tell the group, "I'll buff outside the entry"
Lumps tells the group, "sow plz"

Yes, the beastlord really did ask the druid / ranger for sow. Remember, this group came from the black burning pits of hell crafted by Satan himself. Nothing is impossible.

L33t tells the group, "anyone else?"
Trigger tells the group, "crack plz"
You tell the group, "when we reach the dungeon, okay?"
1 minute passes.
Trigger tells the group, "need crack plz"
Lumps tells the group, "I do too."
Must... calm...down...
Victim pops a valium.
L33t tells the group, "and I feel the need for SPEED!"
Yes, Ali, that was a ranger riding a chain bridle horse you just saw run past. He coulda bought something to replace that epic but no... a horse was pertinant. But far be it for me to critique someone's buying choices.

Or what the hell he coulda bought a SSoY for our glorious warrior at 1/100th the price of it, who then might have had some chance in hell of taking taunt at some point. But no, it was not to be.
L33t tells the group, "need haste when you can plz"
HAS ANYONE HEARD A WORD I SAID?
You tell the group, "I...will buff...at... the camp"
L33t tells the group, "lololol"
You have entered Lesser Faydark.
The direction of your adventure has been indicated on your compass.
Stud tells the group, "AFK, RR"

Well, at least he went AFK near the entry point so I could get this group off my back for buffs.

Soon as Trigger arrives, Trigger tells the group, "need crack plz"
Son I think you've had enough for one day.
You tell the group, "waiting for everyone to get here."
D00d tells the group, "me 2 please"
You tell the group, "group spell, guys"
L33t tells the group, "and I need haste."
Lumps hobbles up and begins to cast a spell.
An aura of spiritual command envelopes you.
Trigger tells the group, "thx".
You begin casting voice of quellious.
Trigger...zones...into...the...adventure.
Your spell is interupted!
Victim grits her teeth, screaming silently.

We all zone in. Stud is still AFK somewhere in Faydark, probably lost on the way to the bathroom. D00d has assumed puller of the group, and immediately begins doing so with haste (or without actually... I hadn't had a chance to buff it yet).

Good God, he pulled three. I immediately mez two off.
You begin to cast a spell.
A Scion Swirlything stares off into the distance.
You begin to cast a spell.
A Scion Swirlything stares off into the distance.
Trigger has awakened A Scion Swirlything.

Yknow, I coulda sworn I picked the one the ranger wasn't attacking...

You begin to cast a spell.
A Scion Swirlything stares off into the distance.
Trigger has awakened A Scion Swirlything.
D00d has awakened A Scion Swirlything.

The ****?!

Two Scion Swirlythings begin attacking Victim with a passion.
You begin casting Word of Morell.
A Scion Swirlything begins to dream.
A Scion Swirlything begins to dream.
A Scion Swirlything begins to dream.
L33t has awakened A Scion Swirlything.
D00d has awakened A Scion Swirlything.
D00d has awakened A Scion Swirlything.
Three Scion Swirlythings are now beating the s--t out of Victim. Apparently Trigger missed a couple times cause D00d's dots broke that one.
You tell the group, "gdit"
You begin casting eldritch rune.
You are surrounded by a shimmer of runes.
You notice disturbing amounts of battle spam in your hits-you window.
You begin casting Arcane Rune.
Your spell is interupted!
You begin casting Arcane Rune.
Your spell is interupted!
You tell your group, "HEAL"
You begin casting Arcane Rune.
You are surrounded by a shimmer of runes.

Note that I am now at 25% health, none of these mobs are slowed except possibly from the ranger's dot-proc, and I note the BST simply staring on as though a pornographic video were unfolding before him... and then sat down to commiserate it.

Your wounds fade, Trigger has healed you for 438 points of damage.

That's right. That was a remedy. Not a divine light or an elixir or supernal, but remedy! Yes, he really did just heal me with a spell that effectively healed the damage from HALF a round from these mobs. Unfortunately I didn't actually READ that heal message. This is important... because out of the corner of my eye, I THOUGHT I saw my red bar shoot back up to the top. If I had known my cleric had just cast remedy on me with three unslowed mobs at the zone in, I woulda made a break to zone out. This must have been a breif case of lag, because a second later, I was dead!

You tell the group, "From now on, I PULL."
Because there is NO F--KING WAY I'm bringing this group anything but singles.
L33t tells the group, "heh, I zoned out, how come you didn't?"
D00d tells the group, "I did"
L33t tells the group, "meant Victim"
D00d tells the group, "o"
D00d tells the group, "u didnt?"
Victim draws blood from her knuckle.
Stud tells the group, "back"
Stud tells the group, "whoa, we started"
Trigger tells the group, "I gated."

He what?

You tell the group, "You what?"
Trigger tells the group, "I gated, need port from pok plz"

O M G.

You tell the group, "Why didn't you just zone?"

Or heal me properly... yes, I'm still being as polite as a saint in all of this.

Trigger tells the group ,"need port from pok plz"
D00d tells the group, "k".
D00d tells the group, "wru?"
The silence is deafening. 3 minutes later
You spit to your group, "He asked you where you were in pok, Trigger."
Trigger tells the group, "bank".

It didn't occur to me that he meant the OTHER bank in pok. Yknow, the one the druid would have found him at.

L33t tells the group, "gawd are all LDON this hard?"
You tell the group, "never. Ever. This only happens when the North Star is aligned with heaven during an eclypse on groundhog day on a snowy day in hell."
L33t tells the group, "LOL!"
Lumps tells the group, "lol"
D00d tells the group, "?"
Trigger tells the group, "k at bank now"
D00d tells the group, "wru"
Trigger tells the group, "at bank."
D00d tells the group, "k..."

Steve Jobs tells the group, "What the f--k is going on? I have no idea... I dunno!"

I had decided as soon as Trigger wanted a port from pok that this was gonna go faster if I ran back mself, looted, buffed, and left a corpse for later rezzing. I did so.

Stud tells the group, "need haste"

And the earth rumbled. Some 5 minutes later the dream team's druid and cleric somehow arrived in butcherblock. Forget the fackin points, I'm gonna be lucky to break even XP from this one. So now we're FINALLY all together in the dungeon, and I have the chance to cast a few buffs.

I move to pull, pacifying everything in sight (and a lot out of it). I didn't trust this group for ****, and I was gonna play this ultra safe. I bring the one mob. Everyone stands there looking at it while it beats on me for about a minute.

You tell the group, "You can attack it now, I can only rune for so long..."
Stud runs up and starts hitting the mob. Progress!

It's at this point that I notice my tank's weapon selection. It was troublesome. I pop an inspect and... my GOD does this warrior have a single peice of hp gear?! He's wearing JADE RINGS? A f--king BRONZE MASK? You got to 65 in this s--t?! HOW? WHY? WHAT SICK JOKE IS THIS!

D00d proceeds to interupt my thought process as he pulled two from the room past the one where I had just pacied.

Ythink I'm gonna mez that again buddy? Ysee I had this unique facility at hand called a memory. I remembered vividly what happened last time I did that. So, I adapted.

I rooted the adds, then slowed them.
D00d tells the group, "MEZ"... refusing to move of course.
Lmao. Arright, FINE.
Mez both the mobs.
A Scion Cryptwalker has been awakened by Lumps.
A Scion Swirlything has been awakened by D00d.
You tell the group, "Can't. Tough ****, watch the dots next time. Just step back they're rooted."
D00d tells the group, "wtf"

WTF indeed.

D00d begins to cast a spell.
D00d is infused with the healing force of nature.

Well isn't that amazing. HE FOUND A HEAL. I about bursted with pride as though my child had taken his first step.

The first mob of the adventure finally, finally, dies.
You gain party experience.
Stud takes his time waltzing up to the two mobs still beating on the clueless druid.

I summon a pet since its obviously gonna be our main dps until we find a charm, barring BST and druid dots and cleric melee / nuking. Being that I have charm soloed a lot in the past, I can pretty much solo an adventure as long as I can find one, but as fate would have it, the charmable zombies in our adventure were at the *** end of a dungeon we would simply never reach short of a suicidal haul-*** caused by dementia and realization of just how bad this group was.

Trigger has looted a Perfect Garnet of Constitution.

SON OF A *****.

Trigger tells the group, "oops."
D00d tells the group, "wtf"
You tell the group, "..."
L33t tells the group, "not c00l yo"
Stud tells the group, "<<<<ASSIST ME as we rid norrath of this vermin <<< A Scion Swirlything >>> For all eternity and forever banish it to the void of death and darkness!"
You tell the group, "seriously, woulda liked a roll on that"
Trigger tells the group, "?"

Before I can react, D00d goes off to pull the masses again. this time he brings the room I pacied before in its entirety... 3 mobs.
Stud tells the group, "<<<<ASSIST ME as we rid norrath of this vermin <<< A Scion Swirlything >>> For all eternity as we forever banish it to the void of death and darkness!"
L33t tells the group, "FOR BEER!"
Lumps tells the group, "?"

Stud's aggro message has the interesting property of wearing on you just a little bit each time he uses it. It takes up three whole lines of my chat display. It's unnecisarilly wordy and not witty or funny in the slightest, and only barely tolerable the first time... in short it fits this group perfectly.

Amazingly I managed to mez one of the mobs for at least ten seconds. The other was broken pretty much on contact but thankfully was being offtanked (and nuked to a pulp) by our cleric.

You tell the group, "Could I get pot9, symbol, virtue, natureskin, some kinda friggin hp buff?"
Lumps tells the group, "want kragg?"
You tell the group, "no thanks, got a self buff that wont stack"
Lumps begins to cast a spell.
Your shielding fades.
You feel tough.
You tell the group, "I should've expected that."
Lumps tells the group, "?"
D00d tells the group, "MEZ"
Stud tells the group, "HEAL"
D00d tells the group, "MEZ"
Stud tells the group, "HEAL"
You begin to cast Apathy.
A Scion Corpserumper stares off into the distance.
D00d has awakened A Scion Corpserumper.
Victim smiles at nothing in particular.
Trigger tells the group, "afk"
Stud tells the group, "?"
Stud has been slain by A Scion Corpserumper.

Wow. Slain by a single slowed ldon normal mob. I've seen tanks hp fluxuate less tanking Reparm. That was downright alarming. L33t, of course, gladly takes up the slack as tank, and off we go!

Stud tells the group, "afk"

I should have expected that as well.

This continued for some 15ish more mobs, with D00ds periodic dot-trains coming at random. Turns out he was pulling with a swarm spell, and he really was targeting each add and giving it a nice dot.

I never saw a BST pet.

L33t managed, during this time, to talk about every peice of gear on his outdated *** and his plans for upgrading each to various elemental / ldon / time peices at random. Noone was actually conversing with him on this, he just felt the need to splay his feathers so to speak. Hell, a ranger with a 100k horse, has a right to feel pride in his excesses, right?

At some point D00d mercifully died on the pull. The cleric went linkdead. Stud was still dead and Lumps was buisilly studying the markings on various coffins we passed as we fought.

I ran back, looted the rest of two other corpses, gated out, and camped, looking forward to the monotony of work in the morning and adding these 5 to the guild *****************

LOL Reminds me of some bad times...
Cleric001, "Rogues don't need to be healed"
But the warrior is dead! I'm tanking now!
Cleric001, "I'll rez him."
You have been slain by a Sebilite Juggernaut!

hehe
Bad bad times
But one of the reasons to play EQ

OMG, i was in that same group except instead of the victim ( chanter) i was monk. OMG some people are freaking retards : (

Great story! One wonders how they got to 65 for sure. Maybe ebay.

Sounds like a possibility. I've seen ldon groups that are that worse, though not necessarily in that manner. If a person goes LD so much, especially if it's a chanter when there's adds, then either he has a comp problem, a connection problem, or is just plain egotic. If it's a cleric that goes LD and never comes back, then that just makes a tough adv next to impossible.

I've known only a handful of good adventurers, mostly those I've seen in Butcherblock, and some good guildies who share similar tastes as I do, and those are the kinds of people whom I prefer to group with.